i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize