Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
