Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
