so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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