So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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