i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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