i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
