also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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