Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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