Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
