Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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