Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
