there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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