I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
