so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize