i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
