Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
