We're facebook friends in real life
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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