We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
you had me at cake vodka
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
