Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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