i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
