No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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