I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
