some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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