if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I am naked and annoyed.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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