we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
