fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
