Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
