I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
