dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
being pregnant is like rehab
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
