he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Randomize
