My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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