Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
