Pregnant stripper...not hot.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
