a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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