I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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