I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
