Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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