Already got asked if we're dating
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I want her autograph on my taint
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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