why didn't you poke me back
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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