And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
