i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize