i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
