a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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