I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
