When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
