I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
