God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
