I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
