I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
