my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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