I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
