By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
