He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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