all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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