I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
