If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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